The Saga Of Julie
by JulieOfRohan
Summary: The adventures and tribulations of a young Rohirric girl. Voted 'Greatest Spoof' by KRF and 'Best WTF! Moment' by UCU
1. Chapter One

Act One

Scene One

__

In a cheery castle, tucked away into a dense forest with fire lamps lining the road from the market place to the castle. Enter into a small, stone room covered in colorful tapestries and deep red rugs. There is a dressing type with a looking glass opposite it, and seated at the short stool was a young girl, approximately seventeen, with long blonde hair, and a nervous atmosphere in the room. Another woman, older but still young, stood beside her, brushing her hair. The second woman also had long blonde hair, with a much more regal look.

****

Julie: Oh….I'm so nervous!

****

Eowyn: Don't be nervous! You're marrying the Lord Denethor! That's no reason to be nervous. He loves you!

****

Julie: Oh, I'm not worried about Denny! I'm worried about….I don't know…maybe the party afterwards, everyone knows Dear Denny can't dance! Or maybe it's the new city….I don't know Gondorian customs! Or maybe it's the wedding night…

****

Eowyn: ….Well, its not like its anything _you've _ never done before…

__

Julie gives evil look…

****

Julie: You know, Eowyn, I am not _that_ bad.

****

Eowyn: Yes, Julie, you are.

****

Julie: No.

****

Eowyn: Yes.

****

Julie: No.

****

Eowyn: Yes.

****

Julie: EOWYN!! Stop! I am not a whore!

****

Eowyn: ….Yes, yes you are.

****

Julie: ….Anyway, I expect you and Faramir to mingle with all the guests and appear to be proper stepchildren.

****

Eowyn: Stepchildren?

****

Julie: Of course, Eowyn, stepchildren.

****

Eowyn: Julie, under no circumstances will you ever, _ever _ be my stepmother.

****

Julie: _tinkle laugh _Oh, Eowyn! You silly child! Of course you will, now brush mummy's hair.

****

Eowyn: No, no, no, Julie, I thi--

****

Julie: Please, Eowyn, call me 'mummy'

****

Eowyn: No…I don't believe I will, Jul--

****

Julie: 'Mummy'

****

Eowyn: Julie, no.

****

Julie: _gets evil look upon face _I….said….MUMMY!!!

****

Eowyn: No!

****

Julie: Yes!!

****

Eowyn: _produces evil roar_

Scene ends with vicious catfight, cut to Denethor and Faramir.


	2. Chapter Two

****

Act One :

Scene Two:

Faramir & Denethor

__

Cut to a bleak room, barren of any color. There is a young man standing, looking very regal, with light brown wavy hair framing his face, ending at his shoulder. He looks happy yet nervous at the same time. Sitting down is a elderly man, looking very grumpy, with long, stringy gray hair and a sour grimace. The younger man stands behind him, trying to be encouraging.

****

F: Oh, father! I am so proud of you! Places hands on shoulder, and Denethor flinches

****

D: Don't touch me!!

****

F: But father….this is a great day! It is a great day for a wedding!

****

D: Yes, sadly, the sun is shining so brightly, trying to blind us all! And where's the nice gray clouds to compliment my robes? I had planned on color coordinating myself with the weather!

****

F: Yes….well, Julie will be happy for it! Woman of Rohan do enjoy their bright, sunny days.

****

D: Bah, Rohan! If Julie has one fault, it's her native Rohirricness.

****

F: Oh! Rohirric woman aren't so bad, father! Especially Julie, she is much more, um, feminine, than some other…Rohirric….women.

****

D: You're talking about your frontier butch fricken girlfriend, huh???

****

F: Now, father, my wife is not butch!! She just…happens…to, um, enjoy sword play….and horses…

****

D: Faramir, your wife was fighting the Witch King, the most evilest of all evil creatures, while you were lolling around in the Houses of Healing!

****

F: You had set me on fire! I had third degree burns on 78% of my body!

****

D: Always complaining! So, I had a little mental breakdown, does that mean that I should feel guilty for trying to kill you for the rest of my life?!?!

****

F: _(obviously exasperated) _Alright, father, let us just get you ready for your wedding.

****

D: Fine, Faramir, go see if your Mummy is ready.

****

F: _(clearly confused) _Father…Mother has been dead for thirty years.

****

D: Oh! Silly Faramir, not that Mummy! Your new Mummy!

****

F: Father, I am not calling Julie 'Mummy'.

****

D: Oh, yes, Faramir, I believe you will.

****

F: Father, she is twenty years younger than me!! I could be her father.

****

D: Oh, silly boy, Julie loves you so much! It would hurt her so if you did not call her 'Mummy'.

****

F: Father, I know she loves me! I woke up and she was standing over me, and starting at me! It was….terrifying!

****

D: But she wants to be your mummy!

****

F: No she doesn't! Mummy's shouldn't want to sleep with their children!

****

D: Well… _(desperately trying to think of an excuse)_ ....maybe she just wanted to tuck you in! Like all good mummies should!

****

F: Father, she is clearly not of the highest class!

****

D: Don't you dare talk about my Julie-poo like that! I LOVE HER!

****

F: You are right, Father, I apologize. Its just that…well, there have been some stories about Julie.

****

D: Stories? I have heard no stories…

****

F: Well, Father, they are not good stories.

****

D: Did you hear these stories from your manic wife?!?! I told you never to trust a Rohirric!!

****

F: Father…you're marrying a Rohirric.

****

D: Oh..No, no, I meant…Rohirric…Um, I meant never trust Rohirric royalty! Yes, yes, royalty. Those sheildmaidens are nothing but scandalous trouble!

****

F: _(getting very angry) _The only rumors circulating about Eowyn is that she saved the free world from DOOM.

****

D: Yes… and the only rumors about my dear Julie is that she may have at an itty-bitty thing with the King. Big deal! Who hasn't?

__

Bells ring from outside, and a crowd is clearly gathering in a neighboring hall.

****

F: just giving up, Alright, Father, come, your bride awaits you.

__

They get up and leave, Faramir in the back, and walk to the great hall, filled with the peoples of both Rohan and Gondor alike.

Cut to reception afterwards.


	3. Chapter Three

****

Act One:

Scene Three:

The Reception

__

Scene opens on a large, festive hall holding approximately three hundred people, all of which are dressed in party wear. Everyone is smiling and laughing, drinks are being passed around, and plates of meats and other various dishes sit atop the tables. At the back of the hall sits a long regal table, with a deep red tablecloth. In the center sits Denethor, looking uncharacteristically cheerful, and beside him sits Julie, with a very fake smile on her face. Seated at Denethor's side is Faramir, looking slightly confused at the scene, and Eowyn at his side, looking exasperated. Denethor stands up, and raises his goblet.

****

D: My good guests! I welcome you all here today to this glorious coming together of my new wife, Julie, and myself.

__

Guests all raise goblets as well, smiling at the man.

****

D: Julie and I wish to extend our thanks to you for being present at our ceremony. We understand that some may view this union as, perhaps, slightly…._unusual_, but we thank you for seeing over that.

__

Julie stands as well, smiling fake as ever, and raises her goblet.

****

J: Yes, we wish to thank you all for coming! When I first decided to marry Dearest Denny, I was worried at the reaction of some people. It may be a peculiar match, but we do love each other, and, I would like to announce, that we are expecting our first child!

__

Majority of crowd looks pleasantly pleased, expect for a few select peoples. Several young men of Gondor and several more of Rohan look momentarily terrified, Lord Denethor looks shocked, and Eowyn and Faramir exasperatingly led their heads fall with a clunk onto the hard tables. Everyone sits, and switches from speech tones to whispers.

D: Dearest Julie…How is this possible?

****

J: Well, Denny, I am with child.

****

D: But this is not physically possible!

****

J: Well, yes, Denny, see I was afraid that you would to be old to, well…..you know, so I thought that maybe I should see some other….young…men.

****

D: JULIE!! You did what?!?

****

J: No, Denny, don't you worry your pretty little head about that! All you need to know is that your child is the son of a handsome, intelligent man.

****

D: ….Faramir?

****

J: _(tinkle laugh) _No, no, dearest Denny! I wish! No, no, it was….perhaps, the stable boy at Edoras. Or, well, it could be the Gondorian guard…or maybe it was the Rohirric cavalry charger…or may--

****

D: JULIE!! How could you do this?

****

J: _(produces soft, pleading look, trying to look guilty) _Denny, are you really going to be mad at me? I love you so much! Do you really want to make me feel bad? Please Denny? Pretty pretty please with sugar on top?

****

D: _(looking sheepish, and finally giving up)_ Well, alright Julie, I forgive you! I love you!

****

J: Oh Denny! I love you too!

__

Scene pans out of the hall, end of Act One.


End file.
